Merry Christmas?

My Christmas this year was very different from the norm… My second year going without my grandma also… and it was difficult. First off yesterde, my parents went to Warsaw, NC, without so much as a phone call sent my way…

Oh wait, my mom sent me when they were leaving, [...]]]> December 26

Merry Christmas?

My Christmas this year was very different from the norm… My second year going without my grandma also… and it was difficult. First off yesterde, my parents went to Warsaw, NC, without so much as a phone call sent my way…

Oh wait, my mom sent me when they were leaving, but as far as that, no one shared any type of knowledge with me that they were even PLANNING on going.

Mom: **We called your phone several times. I tried. Dale tried. You didn’t answer so then we sent text messages and you didn’t respond. The last time we tried to get you to go to N.C. with us we had to force you into the car and we didn’t want to do that again. So we left. If you are going to tell it tell it all and tell the truth. **

No missed phone calls

No one previously mentioned it as a thought..

Mom: ** I decided spur of the moment kind of thing and we tried to contact you. **

We had a Bowflex for a Christmas tree for cryin out loud… so who was I to know we were going anywhere?

Mom: **I have never liked Christmas. Nothing has changed that sentiment. Nor will it. I told ya’ll the tree is in the garage if you want one up go get it and put it up. I even went to the garage and dragged it into the house and none of you put it up. Not my job to put up the commercialized celebration of the birth of “Kris Kringle” **

Well anyways, the text said at 7:54 am, Just so you know we r going to Warsaw today then coming home,

Mom: ** I didn’t buy gifts for anyone. I knitted and crocheted things people asked me for. That was no secret and I’ve been making gifts for people now since 2000 because we’re poor. **

Miss Explicit

December 30
Good Morning Rant….

So lately, I’ve been having issues sleeping… Well not lately, for almost a three months lol.

More recently because of the family issues I’ve been having. What mother doesn’t want to ask her boss to let her off work 20 mins early so she can take her daughter to a really late dr appt, made specifically so she could take her, when its for her heart?

Mom: ** Dale took you to the doctor. They did an ekg. Nothing is wrong with your heart. They did blood work. Nothing is wrong with your brain. You had a cat scan. You don’t have a brain tumor. Maybe you should stop smoking marijuana and listening to your crack head so called friends who don’t care if you are alive or dead. **

Mine =]. But besides that, last night was when I realized I was getting depressed again. Yay me. 2 Years ago my grandma passed, I became depressed, and developed anemia from not eating.

Woah and behold, the cycle is repeating, but no one died. I’m trying to take care of myself, but I’m literally doing it.. B Y M Y S E L F… I stayed awake for about an hour or two when I officially tried to go to sleep thinking about how fucked up my life is, and some people do have it worse. I’m not gunna lie.

But I didn’t leave Brunswick County to come back to this. I should have listened to my granddadd and stayed with him, it would have saved me a lot of heartache, but I would have missed out on a lot of life lessons.

So now I’m struggling to get into college, keep a job (Because apparently no one likes to give me rides, but that will be fixed in may when I get my license and use the rest of my savings for a car), or make sure I get to where I need to be. i.e: DOCTOR APPOINTMENTS FOR MY HEART.

Mom: ** Nothing is wrong with your heart. You suffer from anxiety. Take deep breaths and think of something that isn’t marijuana related **

I was supposed to be at TCC right now, trying to get shit straightened out, but my ride is knocked the hell out, so I’m here ranting because I need some type of release of this bullshit on my mind.

Mom: ** You chose the campus in Suffolk, VA. We live in Norfolk, VA. That is not a possibility considering I work in Chesapeake and Dale works in Norfolk. You could have chosen a campus close to Norfolk or Chesapeake and you chose not to. I’m not going to lose my job because you aren’t considerate enough to think of the strain your activities or choices put on this family**

I want to get into college, pull out a loan, and get my own place, but I can’t even get a ride to the place where I need to go. Lol.

When I look back on things, its always been this way, my mom has always treated me differently.

Mom: ** Yes I have. I fought to have you. When I got pregnant with you almost everyone I talked to “counseled” me that an abortion would be the best for me That I already had a toddler. I chose to have you regardless of what people said I should do. So yes I’ve always fought for, loved and protected you as best I could even when you were an embryo. **

I asked her why about a year ago and she responded, because I expect more from you. LIE

Mom: ** Truth. You are probably the smartest of my kids. You are making horrible choices with your life that stress out the entire family here and in North Carolina about your mental health and well being. **

I asked her why again a few months later, she responded then “I treat all my kids different.”

Mom: ** That is true. I do treat you all differently because you all have your own personalities. **

Man. Idk. I’m just sick n tired of feeling alone when my family is SUPPOSED to be the majority of my support and they aren’t. The only people in my immediate family who pay me the most attention is my little sister who’s 13, and sometimes my little brother, who’s 11.

Mom: ** The type of support you want is for us to give up our jobs and cow down to your demands so you can do you regardless of how it will affect the entire family including our employment which pays the bills, keeps a roof over our head etc etc.. **

And the reason why, is because I treat them like I’m their parent. SMH. I prolly gave my lil brother more beatens than my parents. When did I have kids? Oh never. Right.

-

Miss Explicit

January 9
Okay tumblr. Let me know if this makes sense to you…

I got results back from a lot of bloodwork taken.

Mom: ** Everything was within normal ranges. The only reason it (your pituitary hormones were elevated is because you didn’t disclose that you use marijuana) and we know know because of the marijuana use that you suffer from marijuana toxicity and because of the drugs that Eazy fed you – you had a psychotic break. **

I could have a pituitary gland tumor.

I ask my mom to take a day off of work (and she’s able to) to take me to a follow up appointment

** Dale took you. There was nothing wrong with your pituitary gland. **

She tells me no (with the most evil eye ever (because you are trying to get me fired), because I asked her in front of my stepdad, lil bro, and lil sis)

Her reason for saying no,” I(She) PAY BILLS”

Mom: ** ( I said We pay the bills and we need our jobs and can’t keep taking off just because you are listening to the “street doctors” instead of the real doctors who have tested and told you — you are fine.)

I gave her 50$ last month to help(i’m unemployed)

Mom: **You wanted cable installed in your room. I told you you would have to pay the installation fees and we would approve it. The box you wanted up there would put an additional $17.99 a month on our cable bill that you were suppose to pay because it isn’t necessary for life and is a luxury. You had a job. You got fired. Your grandfather sends you money all the time. You claimed to be working for NW doing secretarial work…didn’t you get paid for that? That $50.00 went solely towards paying your installation fees. So try again.

I have an older sister(21) who doesn’t pay bills…. at all.

Mom: ** You don’t pay any bills either. Not at 205 Hough anyway. What you do for other people I don’t know. **

Any of this make sense, and this isnt the first time she told me no. I had an appointment for my heart(still haven’t gotten it checked out) made specifically in the time frame for her ability to take me, and she said NO.

Smh.

February 12
Can anyone answer this?!

We’re Only Human

What is the true meaning of being human? We all go about our lives in a different way. Who is to say the correct agenda of any one being’s desire to do as they please? Humans are a species, everyone knows this? No. Why? Is it not normal to question the bounds and lengths of what we as a human society act on? Do we as humans realize that only through true communication with one another do we realize what we truly have access to and the amazing conditions of normality that we go about as our everyday process? We have unlimited access to many things that we could use to better ourselves but choose not to use it. The reality in that alone is questioning.

What is reality? If we know what reality is then why do we not know how to do certain things when the knowledge of how to do it is already there. Everyone is capable of anything, but together great minds think alike. It isn’t normal to question what people say, why the say it, and come to a conclusion of what is being said? Well when you break it down to the very simplicity of thing in itself, we don’t realize what we do, how we do it, and why we do it?

No one can say what the true nature of anyone’s success can be. But we fear change? How can one fear change when we have changes every day? Why do we have knowledge but don’t use it when we all have the physical ability to do anything we want and behave anyway we want? Who is to say what any person couldn’t do when we have the ability and access to many things? Why do we as a society have limited ability to resources that could potentially save one’s life?

What does it truly mean to be free? Why do we feel the need to be secretive with our truest talents and how we perform them so others can truly understand what it is to be human? I don’t understand why it isn’t normal to watch someone do something, and try to do the same. Why should fun be limited to what we enjoy doing when we have the power to do the same and create similar euphoric feelings? You can’t knock it until you try it, is an old saying, but why do we not realize the true meaning of words we’ve been taught so we all better ourselves to do better? The ability is there, why do we limit each other’s ability for what we’ve taught ourselves how to do?

Why don’t we push ourselves to pursue the talents we were born and capable with and try to fit in to be normal? Why is it that we choose to do what we do if we’re capable of anything we put our minds to?

-

Miss Explicit

Mom: **I’m just a mom doing the best I can for my family. I’m not perfect. I don’t try to be. I have made mistakes and I own up to them. I’ve never used illegal drugs nor have I knowingly put ya’ll in an environment where you were exposed to drug addicts and alcoholics. All of you have always complained that I am over-protective so I really don’t know where you get off with your ranting. If it makes you feel better to rant then go ahead. I still love you. I’ve never done anything to you that has put on the path you are walking. You are walking a road made by your poor choices from friends to extracurricular activities. You did that all on your own. Regardless of how rocky, dangerous, and hilly that path will become, I will be there as long as it won’t destroy the rest of our family and my health any more than it has. **